Breath Work

Many of you know how much I believe breath work is the way to restore our authentic self.
I actually was able to go clear to my emotional body of age 1 years old. This has been on the rise ever since I started The Presence Process. I didn't know it when I started but through the weeks and months of my work with breathing, I could feel it deep in a part of me that was, lets say, put to sleep for ever. Last night I could feel my inner self, my conscious self start to stir, it was like a slow vibration which turned into a full blown storm. This work is not easy and sometimes very painful feeling before it opens up. But when it finally does oh! what peace and love you feel.
I was feeling very what I call duped. I know that is not a word really but it is the only one I can find that fits the feeling from my childhood memories.
By duped I mean that I felt some people in my life and in the past had led me to believe in them but it turned out it was a trick. So you might add tricked to my feelings too.
When a child feels duped, tricked, it means they start to not trust. First it is the person they feel duped or tricked them, they don't trust. Then it is people with certain characteristics, then if it continues, or they think it continues, they begin to just not trust at all.
That is my story. I felt duped and tricked. By significant people in my life at a very young age. Starting at age 1 years. My grandmother Addie, told me one day about my 1st birthday. Little did I know that what she told me would be so significant at age 59. She told me that my parents had brought me and my sisters to her and my grandfathers house for awhile. I don't know how long I was there, but it sounded like it was for quite some time. She said that my parents went to California to see some doctors for some tests for my Mother. I had my very first birthday while there. My grandmother said I was so cute I went around looking for my birthday.
That thought and this information has surfaced from time to time in my life. But I did not know that it was very vital information to help me with a significant emotional feeling that was a major block in my life. I don't remember this incident in detail because I was so young. I just know that there was a very strong feeling that I could not trust certain people. It was a feeling more than any certain experience that I had with these people. But because of my personal belief and my emotional memory I got hurt so bad in my life. I became so good at smothering these feeling that I didn't see it in my life until last night.
I decided to watch a moving on TV. I was feeling very agitated. I am making a move again and I am very afraid to make a mistake. It is not just my life but my Son's life too. This feeling is an old one that I have seen before but not for a very long time so something inside of me said to watch this movie. I am more knowing now because of all the breath work and the presence process, that I know when my inner soul tells me that there is something in the movie that will help me to see more of me. So I watched it. It is called the "Good Son". It has the actors, Elijah Wood and Macauley Culkin in it. Elijah plays a young boy Mark, who's mother died. Macauley plays a boy Henry, who killed his little brother but know one knows. Elijah, Mark's father has a big job he needs to complete out of the country for 2-3weeks, which will bring in financial freedom so he can be with his boy., So he takes his son to stay with some friends who he believes is a safe place for him. At first the two boys play very well and Elijah, Mark is less sad about his mothers death. He falls in love with the family which also includes a little sister,Mother and Father.
As the movie progresses Elijah, Mark sees that something is very wrong with the other boy. Macauley, Henry kills a dog, causes a huge mass car wreck by throwing a dummy off an overpass, and creates many dangerous events to scare Elijah, Mark. Mark sees how mean Henry is to his little sister too. When one day Henry takes his sister ice skating Mark follows and sees Henry swing her out into the ice that was marked off as not thick enough to skate on. She falls in and is luckily rescued by some men. Mark runs back to the house and tells the Mother about it. So the mother is angry about the news but she starts investigating and finds evidence that Henry had something to do with the death of her little baby.
The part that really sent me to my emotions was when a struggle came between her and Henry, he tried to push his mother off a cliff, she slipped and almost fell all the way down, she caught herself and worked her way up to the top again, but Mark and Henry were fighting now at the top, and they both rolled over the edge the same time the Mother leaped forward and caught both of them by their arms. They were slipping out of her grasp, she had to choose which one would go down. She chose Mark, not her son. She knew her son had killed his brother and tried to kill her.
This movie was a messenger to me, because there was a time in my life that I had to chose between the two of my children, I balled my eyes out for hours after the movie. I could not sleep it was 12:30pm I went out side and walked, and walked for 2 hours. I could not stop crying. I must have said I was sorry thousands of times. I felt the times I had not been there for my son, and my other daughters. I felt guilty about the accident. I felt it all. I have kept it so hidden all these years. I could not forgive myself for my children's tragic experience in 1981.
I sent my little 4 year old son down the hill about 7 acres away to our neighbors house for help. I stayed with my baby until the ambulance arrived. I don't know why I did that. I think I wanted to spare my son the pain of what he might see with his little sister. I will really never know how harmful that choice was for him. He is just waking up into his life and he is 34 years old now. In a way he is so much a little boy.
So for those many hours last night I felt what I couldn't feel on April 9th 1981. But it was time to feel it. To feel all the pain of guilt, my guilt that I had not been careful enough, I had let them go play, I had let them go outside alone. I didn't notice all the things that were not safe for my children to be around, and so on. But eventually after many deep sorrowful tears, I forgave me. It took a lot to do. I went to my innocence, my authentic self and saw how I had not done any of it on purpose. I could see that because, I as a child had felt so duped tricked that I created the biggest trick and duping that ever excised on earth. I hurt my kids. I wasn't careful.
So after I felt all that pain I took it to my breath work. I opened up the highest part of me and the Universe and asked for a healing, a reprogramming to occur in my life, in my cells of my body, in my emotional body, in my spiritual body.
I asked for a healing of my whole family, and everyone that has a connection with our family.
It is so interesting that it took that movie to open me up to feel that pain. I can't imagine a mother ever having to chose which child gets the time and care. My son was just as hurt as my daughter and yet I felt I had to chose. I don't know what is the right way, or if there is a right way to have done that. I just know that it was so painful for me and now I know how painful it was for the whole family.
But our family is so close and in love with each other. My son is getting his turn now. He has just started to be with his family. Time will heal him too. He has a huge healing coming in his child innocent self.
My daughter has more healing coming very soon. I know that this will make a big difference too.
As for me feeling emotionally duped, or tricked, that is integrated now.I felt tricked out of my first birthday, I was hurt my parents dumped me off with people I hardly knew. I felt hurt that I didn't know if or when they would be back for me.
I now feel nothing but love for those who I thought were doing that. I know that I am not doing that anymore to myself. Thanks to my higher self who showed me the way last night.
I was asking to know. I was choosing it, I wanted freedom from it.
I asked for new programing to take it's place. I know more of what I want to do for my son now. I feel like I can do that now that the guilt to gone. I am thankful for the opportunity to be with him now in his life. He is so dear to me. I want him to know this too,soon.
I would like this entry to help all my girls too. To know that they are so important to me and my 9 grandchildren are so precious to me.
I trust this work from the bottom of my heart I will encourage all to use it for their own healing. With all my Love!
Namaste'